i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
