Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
