I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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