So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
