My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize