Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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