Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
