After last night, I could never be a politician.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
