At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
