So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Two words: nipple clamps
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