When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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