Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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