I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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