i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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