Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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