I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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