I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
