I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
