I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
