At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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