Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
