there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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