its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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