He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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