You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
