And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
