I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
