wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
