just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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