He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
