Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
