last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
