In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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