I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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