When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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