My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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