I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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