Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
