I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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