In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize