we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
