Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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