i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize