Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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