I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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