This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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