remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
