whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
