I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
