We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
