I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
