Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
