The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
