remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize