I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
