end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
