I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
